When Should We Start Setting Limits On Our Children?
A metaphor I often use in consultation when explaining limits and discipline to parents is the following:
“ When we buy a tiny climbing rose and plant it next to our garden fence, we fasten it to the fence by tying its twigs to stay upright and grow in the right direction. If we don’t, the young rosebush will grow with its branches falling to the ground, since they are tender and still do not have the strength to support themselves. However, as time goes by, we will gradually remove those guides and fasteners, as the rose bush will grow strong and there will come a time when it will hold itself up to the fence ”.
This explanation helps us understand the concept of scaffolding. A term coined by Vygotsky -one of the fathers of child psychology-, to explain the need for guides or “scaffolds” that children have at the beginning and that over the years must be removed, little by little, because they can fend for themselves and they will have internalized the norms and values that we have transmitted to them.
Therefore, the question is to put limits on our children, yes or no? Limits are necessary, they prevent our children from disrespecting other people and carrying out risky behaviors for themselves. But they are not only used for that: they are essential for them to feel safe and protected.
When to start educating?
Other recurring questions that parents ask me are the following: ” When should we start educating them?” , “ It is very small! ”.
However, from birth, without even realizing it, we begin to set limits on our children. It is natural. And totally necessary for them.
Many parents will be thinking ” but I tell him not to touch something and just when I tell him he wants to touch it more “, it is normal. Children at these ages take it all as a game, and besides, they are learning to set their own limits!
That is why it is so important to be consistent with the rules and especially with the body language that we use, so that they realize that we are not playing. There are a series of non-verbal signals that accompany verbal language that are very important, such as the tone of voice, the seriousness, the firmness with which we transmit a norm and the attitude with which we do it, it is essential for our child understand that you cannot do something.
When does our son begin to internalize the rules?
Many parents feel somewhat frustrated when they conclude that they are like a broken record, that is, they are always repeating the same rules to their children. When do children begin to internalize the norms as their own? When do they stop acting bad out of fear of punishment?
Educating takes time and patience. Let’s think about ourselves, about our habits and hobbies. In how difficult it is for us to change them, even doing our part. And sometimes we pretend they learn it the first time. They will need many “repetitions”, many “mistakes” and many attempts to learn and internalize the desirable behaviors.
On the other hand, we don’t just educate parents. Educate society, school, grandparents, other children … With the development of socialization our child will begin to receive the education of these socially desirable norms and values not only from the family, but from other development contexts.
